killro's Journal
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Saturday, January 20, 2007
The last of a rouse burnt in the sky.
I fall to earth.
Under the church bell at midnight,
I release my pain for the moment.
Sharing a smoke alone,
today is like every other.
Heaven and hell fight to claim,
all of what I have became.
A heart that beats for all,
and a mind that knows its evil downfall.
Humanitity was born to break,
and be born again.
The parents last breath,
and a babies first sunrise.
I embrace the totallity,
of my own mortality.
God forgive,
Jesus turn for a moment,
Im coming down for a landing,
And I will be myself again soon.
But not yet.
Monday, December 25, 2006
For those whom I do not speak with very often, I am happy to say I have finally gotten used to it up here in Alpena. I have a great bunch of co-workers that I hang out with from time to time (this is outside of work FYI) and I am getting the experience needed to make it in the world. The only problem I had to deal with was the loneliness that struck me after Anna and I broke up. I was more in the momentum to make the distance thing work rather than give up on it, but in the end we decided that breaking up was probably for the best (at this time). It was difficult, especially the fact that I really have no one to talk to about that kind of stuff up here, but I am finally starting to rise from the ashes and learn to be a single man again.
One of the only good things that came from my isolation up here was my newfound drive to get back in shape. In only a month’s time, I have decreased body fat and regained a lot of my former strength. Through loneliness comes the convenience of not having many distractions in my life. I get up, work out for about 2 hours, go to work for eight, then come home and relax until bed. This is every single day except weekends to allow muscles to rest. My current plan is a 6-month program to loose about 25lbs of fat and gain about 15-20lbs of muscle. This should bring my body back up to the place where I had it during my first year or two at Delta. I figure that if I am going to be single and on the market, I mind as well be a desirable single on the market.
However, do not get me wrong, this new workout program is not for vanity only. After I am done, I feel great! Under the pressures of graduating and finding a job, I have forgotten how wonderful I feel after exercise. I go to work happier than on days that I do not work out, and it gives me a personal goal to work on that should help me in the end. In addition, this program is helping me quit smoking (again, I know, but I am getting too old for this silly habit). So vanity aside, I will be doing myself a health favor in the end.
But hey, just because I am up here doing ok doesn’t mean I don’t need a little social contact from my friends from time to time! Come on up! Ill plan out a party or something so you guys can meet my awesome co-workers. Plus, I miss the old gang, and on that note I would like to mention that I will be in the Mt. Pleasant and St. Charles area the weekend of New Years Eve. Find me, talk to me, looooooove me! (cause I know I need it)
-Till then, peace out!
Current mood: accomplished
Thursday, December 21, 2006
It has been waaaaay to long since I posted here. I wonder if anyone even tries to check my journal out?
Regardless, I think im going to start updating every so often to keep in some sort of contact with friends.
Maybe some other time ill go into more detail...
Till then!
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
8:24AM
Well, the votes are in, and I am FREAKING PUMPED!
http://www.cmfilmfestival.com/2006/html/competition.htm
I also received info back from the East Lansing Film competition, and my submission didn’t win. But hell, I am still happy as a snake up a cowboy’s pant leg! (Also, the ELFC is about 4 times bigger than CMU’s)
So, once again to all who helped with my project, thank you all very much. Also, you all can say that you helped in the filming of an award winning piece!!
Thursday, November 10, 2005
10:06PM
Just a reminder...
PREMIERE PARTY AT MY PLACE NOVEMBER 19TH!!!!
BYOB OR YOU PAY 3$ TO GET INTO MY KEG!!!
...that is all.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
1:12AM
After much tinkering, planning, swearing, figuring out, and threatening of my computer… I got the movie to DVD.
So, I guess after a year of hard work, I finally finished it. I cannot believe that I actually went through with the whole thing; even though it felt like it was meant to be. I sit back and watch the whole thing from beginning to end, the visual experience is dry to me now, but I can still watch the entire project smoothly. I take that as a sign that I put too many hours into it (about 60 in editing, weekends in filming, and months in writing and planning…).
It still feels good to have it done, and I thank everyone who helped me along the way. For my actors, I will be giving them not only a premiere party, but free DVD copies of the movie. I still haven’t gotten the “Exit behind the scenes” done, but that shouldn’t take me too long.
Here is a pic of what the DVD background looks like. It was a quick Photoshop job, but I think it fits the piece.
I will be turning the movie in to about 2 or 3 competitions. I have found about 10 of them, but due to entry fees I might not be able to pay for that many competitions. As long as I get into some of the major ones, I really won’t be to upset.
THE MOVIE PREMIERE PARTY WILL BE ON SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 19th, STARTING AT 8 P.M. IT IS BYOB, UNLESS I GET ENOUGH PEOPLE TO HEADS UP ME TO GET A KEG (heads up means they will pay small fee of $2 for access to it.)
Until the party, I hope everyone has a good Halloween, and of course…
PEACE OUT!
Monday, October 17, 2005
Well, I am done capturing the video to my computer. In the end, the whole project took up 47 gigs in my internal hard drive… wow. The project isn’t even finished yet.
Now it is time for some editing, as well as some crash course on some programs; DVD menu studio, Adobe After effects, and maybe a little Photoshop. I find it funny that my biggest concern is figuring out how to place text into my video. It was so much easier in Final Cut Pro (the big Mac editing program) but it’s a bitch with Premiere. Thus far, I believe it has something to do with bringing your Premiere file into After Effects; sounds like too many steps for a simple addition.
I found two competitions so far to enter in my project; I was hoping to find some more. Both seem to be loaded with difficult competition, but I feel like my little piece is up to the challenge.
Life is going…. Ok. I have a couple more pounds on me than I hoped, but I really haven’t been trying to loose any. So, I guess there is no room for complaining. My parents and I have been fighting about money; my spending of $1200 in a month did not please them too well. Outside of some extra movie expenses, witch is around $300, I blame myself for being irresponsible with my cash. I guess I just got too used to spending like I have a job. Either way, here is to hoping I win a little prize money with my movie, I really could use the extra cash.
So, here is to hoping I get my movie done in time, and of good quality. So, till then, keep your stick on the ice.
Monday, October 10, 2005
My friends, we are officially in post-production!
This morning I kind of woke up feeling a little empty because I didn’t have any more scenes to shoot the up-coming weekend. Then I realized I get to sit down and put together the whole thing, which is just as exciting. And, once again, thanks to all my wonderful actors who helped put this together; I would have never done it without you guys.
So, now that the hard part is over, now its time for the difficult task of putting it together. Hopefully I will have it done before the middle of November so I can have the premiere party before finals. This is an open invite to all, by the way.
PEACE OUT!
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
12:39PM
Filming has been going very well for the last two weekends. I have the third scene (the first one we shot) all edited and ready to go, and the first scene is all captured onto my computer.
I was really impressed with Jacque’s performance Saturday night; she really fits the part and seems to enjoy it even though it doesn’t have many lines. For a scary note, Jeff is actually getting good at acting. He is really starting to fit into his part, and I have to say… I am a little impressed. His performance Saturday night kind of surprised me, making me more excited to get this project done.
Next weekend will be the monster of them all (filming 3 scenes that spread out across the weekend) and will be a heavy strain on me. After it’s over, it should all be downhill from here. All we really need to do is get everything edited, get Jeffries music recorded, and get out the entry tapes to the competitions. It shouldn’t take me to long to do this, but I shouldn’t be to certain; I plan on making the intro credits look as badass as possible.
In other news, my roommate Derek has officially made his way into the single bracket of the universe. It is a strain watching your good friend be in a relationship that doesn’t seem like it is going to ever work, and not knowing how to get out of it. Fortunately, he finally ended it, and hopefully for the better.
Till then, I am looking forward to the next party to see all of my old friends again. But be warned, when my film is all done and edited there will be a very large opening party that I hope everyone may attend (this party will be for both the drinkers and non-drinkers).
PEACE OUT!
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Finding something I lost
And then, one day,
You woke up while standing.
Your heart passed you a note during class,
And your mind came home from vacation.
Time stopped spinning,
And you find more smiles in the crowd.
If you’re able to lose, then you’re able to gain.
If you can frown, then you can fucking smile.
Words in a book from the wise;
“Never stop looking, never stop searching,
And never start quitting.”
Find something worth it in this life,
Even if it is something as simple as hope.
Never take your eye off the prize,
Even if you can’t see it.
And then, one day,
I woke up while standing.
And I caught myself smiling;
For no apparent reason.
But maybe having no reason was the point.
Maybe happiness isn’t supposed to have a point.
Hey… I think I just found what I was looking for.
-Killro-
Monday, September 5, 2005
11:07PM
One night so bright
One night, so bright.
I ride the falling star to a place.
A heaven to be held,
A heart to feel beating,
A warm touch to breathe in life.
One night, so bright,
I remember why it’s worth waking up.
A morning in peace,
A day at work,
A night in love.
I can no longer shake these good images,
I have spent too many good days in waste.
I have found what it is to make myself happy,
And isn’t that the purpose of life?
Lucky for me that I have opened my eyes…
…this one night, so bright.
-Killro-
Sunday, August 28, 2005
For the last couple of days, I have heard a common theme; that I need more confidence in myself and need to be more positive. So, taking the advice of friends, here I go.
I enjoy being in love. I enjoy the pleasant companionship that comes with finding someone who complements you very well, and is willing to share the good years of their life with you.
I feel that I deserve someone who is willing to share a mutual companionship with me, not me crawling or groveling at their feet or vice versa; someone who I can share a laugh with, trust with my heart, and is good in spirit. I deserve someone who I can share the college freedom, as well as youthful love. A person whom I can call my own and they are more than happy to do the same. I need trust, faithfulness, honesty, a lack of guilt, and a lack of anger. I don’t need bitterness between me and someone I care for, and I am more in love with someone who finds honesty to be the greatest connection.
I know I will be successful in my life, in love and career. I have a lot of potential in my heart, and I will only improve upon myself. My success and relationships in life will only become greater, and there isn’t a god damn thing that will get in the way. Even though I falter at times (smoking, negativity, etc.) I am always working to bring myself up to the level that I think is where I am supposed to be; and not some unrealistic delusion of what I think I should be.
I am tired of being negative, so I will be working to be more positive. I am tired in not believing in myself (which is the only self I got) so I will be pushing to bring up my confidence.
I feel that the only thing that stands in my way… is myself. But right now me, myself, and I are all really starting to agree with each other on what we need to do.
I love you all.
PEACE OUT!
Friday, August 26, 2005
6:06AM
Maybe I just loved her enough to wait until it felt right to make a move.
Maybe I just loved her enough to always try to be understanding, no matter what curveballs come my way.
The three things I despise the most is anger, negativity, and not doing the right thing. One of the biggest reasons I may stray into one of these things is when all of my good efforts seem to be meaningless and only give me more shit in life.
I have carefully tried walking back into a good life, but things seem to only get worse.
I am really happy Jeff came up this weekend, because I really need a friend right about now…
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
12:12AM
Shaded Light
My heart is shaken by the cut
Powder of residue falling with time
To heal into a wake of a new chapter
Destination unknown.
In the pain I rose to find God in his light.
Sweet promise of life, born from the ash.
I take with me a lesson,
But find myself on a lost path.
My goals have always be omnipresent,
But my demons have always tagged along for the ride.
Tugging and swaying like a willow in an eastern wind,
I bend and fray, begging for stability in life.
I thought I was made anew,
But find myself locked in shadows of the past.
Confusing situations call for drastic measures.
To wear hope and honesty like shielded armor.
Don’t judge me too harshly during this time.
I easily attempt to kill myself to bring about the best for all.
The pain of others brings me more sorrow,
Then my own world finding itself shattered.
-Killro-
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Next week is probably going to be my last full week of work. Also, I am on high gear to get my camera and get things set up for my film. This means that my last week of vacation will be spent almost entirely getting the film ready.
I am sorry that I waited until the end of summer to get things situated, but I guess I lost track. It has always been my theory that sometimes you need to loose track of yourself for a little while to gain perspective on what is important in life. You fall behind a little bit on your goals, become lost, and then wake up to realize what you need to do to live the good life you need to have. The trick is to always be in gear to get back on a good path.
So, the week before the 29th will be crammed with preparations as well as some filming. Once again, any help will be appreciated; any extra hands will be more than rewarded.
Stuff I need to get together:
Lights for lighting
A fake gun that looks real enough
A hanging light
Fake blood
A crappy lamp
If anybody thinks they got anything that could fit this, send me a message.
If I get all of this together promptly, I should be able to shoot the whole thing in about 2 or 3 days (fitting around peoples schedules of course)
I picked out the camera package I wanted.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7537291707&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMEWA%3AIT&rd=1
I almost got just the camera for 1700 without tripod or tapes, but I figured that this package was a little more worth it. The only thing that sucks is that I have to pay with a money order within 3 days of purchase (with work its hard to get a money order made and mailed on time.)
Once again, I love you all. PEACE OUT!
Saturday, July 9, 2005
12:19PM
How do you know that you really don’t have technique at Darts? When you pretty much shoot the same score you would when your sober.
Ok kids, its PSA time (Public Service Announcement).
Smoking is bad, Mm-Kay. It is the devil. It sucks you down when you least expect it. It makes your lungs hurt and usually the better women don’t find it too attractive.
If you haven’t guessed it, I kind of had another bad run in with my old problems with cigarlos, cigarlos. I am going to hop back on a better work out schedule, that trick usually works for me. If I spend so much time trying to make my body fit, I usually don’t feel like smoking; its how I got over it before.
And that is another thing, if you find yourself in a vicious circle in life; you cannot change it by continuing to do the same thing. You have to change something in your daily routine, way of thinking, what you say, or even force yourself to make some new daily habits to get out of the cycle.
A man who tries to change his ways without first changing himself, is a fool.
Paypal is being a bastard to me. Every time I actually try to sit down and fill it out, I always get shit from somewhere. I will get my camera, damn it. And As soon as I know that my baby is in the mail and on the way into my arms, there will be updates on what my plans are for filming this thing.
I miss my STC buddies, so a good PEACE OUT to them all.
Friday, June 24, 2005
12:32AM
I get a lot of pain from loneliness. It holds a distant first from my second place winner “insecurity.”
It takes a lot of hard work for me to be a good person. I try very hard to be the best me I can be; the last three months are good proof of that. I go through a breakup and the first thing I do is blame everything on myself, then I make it my goal to improve every aspect of myself. I run, I exercise, I meditate, and I engage in self-sacrifice wherever and whenever I can. I felt like I owed it to the whole world to be nothing less than the best. I feel like I should be nothing less than the best…
Needless to say, the little phase I was in was mandatory. My pain is mandatory. I have learned from it, as well as improved from it; but now I find myself coming to the end of that path. I have brought myself back to the decent man that I used to be and now I am faced with a fork in the road. The light at the end of the tunnel is still dim, all paths are uphill, and I have to face it alone once again. I know I have the best friends in the world around me, and in my eyes you are all the greatest people alive, but these are burdens that I alone have to take on.
One thing is for certain, after this weekend I am taking the next step; “Spiritual Detoxification.” I can really only describe it as a transmission flush of the soul. I have to give up eating non healthy food, smoking, drinking alcohol and pop. I have to meditate and exercise every day, as well as take on an oath of celibacy. I have to loose weight and become fit (fat in the body is abstract energy and blocks the flow of good energy). This should clear my mind to better see what I must do. I will take this on until I come to another transition in life. I really have no idea when that may be, but I will know when I come to it.
Once again, I love you all. This may seem a little drastic, but I feel the people I care for deserve only deserve the best I can offer from myself. And Jeff, try not to push too many temptations my way :)
Perhaps through this the pain of my loneliness will go away. Maybe the light at the end of the tunnel is the end of my mandatory pain. I guess I am going to have to be patient with this.
By the way, I am getting this out now to avoid “killing twister” at my party on Saturday. If there is any breaking down that will be going on, I promise you it won’t be me :)
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
New Info for you all:
Me and The Jeff have been talking, and we have decided to make this a Hawaiian themed party. This includes.
1. Sunglasses
2. Proper atire (flower shirt, grass skirt, etc)
3. Margarita glasses
4. And maybe a swimsuit if you want to chill in my new inflatiable kiddie pool. (fits up to about 4 people)
Also, you can bring whoever you want, as long as they dont intend on drinking and driving home.
See you all there!!
Sunday, June 19, 2005
9:14PM
My 21st birthday party will be on saturday the 25th of June!! I will be buying some "party materials" for the shin-dig, but you still might want to BYOB your own stuff.
I live at appartment C2 in Casa Loma in Mt. Pleasent. Go down Bloomfield Rd towards campus, turn right on Edgewood St., follow the road around the curve and turn into the parking area in front of the little ranch houses. Beware of some of the cement curbs in the parking area *points at anna and laughs*.
Party is from 7 p.m. till whenever it is safe for you to go home.
Peace out.
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